FECK!

The only thing it lacks is "u."

I just found this quote online in a music video.

The path to pursue more than the usual
More than what is safe and known
Is wrought with time-sharpened jagged blades that cut deep
Blocking many from the road to something greater
Beyond the stunted imagination of their peers.

Within the veins of a few
Passions fills every sinew with a sweet, unquenchable purpose
Calming the fear of those treacherous paths
Though each slice burns and bleeds
Still they take each cut, and wear the scars with pride, to signal their choice

That undying pursuit of greater joy within every chord...


I feel on the verge of explosion.
I used to be someone. I used to be going somewhere with my life and somehow I've managed to drown myself in a fucking fishbowl without even noticing it. At least once a week someone asks me "Okay so... why are you working at your job??" And at least three times a month I get job offers in other parts of the city/state/country.

Part of me regrets not taking the job in Hollywood when I had the chance. I was waiting for an offer with more hours even though I could have easily doubled it with a second job. Given my contacts and my skills, it would have been a piece of cake. The plan was to be gone by the end of the summer. And for some reason, I'm still here. I'm waiting for some holy star in the sky sign to tell me where to go next. Waiting in this fishbowl feels like waiting to die. I belong there as much as John McCain belongs at the Democratic National Convention. Which is to say, not at all.
I've spent the last month in serious contemplation and at one point, decided to just give up. Sell all my bellbottoms, vintage polyester shits, dye my hair "corporate america brown" and dress like everyone else. Stop my involvement in politics, stop trying to make a difference, stop being the one who "rocks the boat" even when sitting still and stop telling people my ideas. I could find some mediocre guy, settle into a mediocre life and have three mediocre kids with a dog that never barks and a cat that never claws the furniture.

I thought long and hard about it for a few days and in the end I just couldn't go through with it. I tried even the smallest steps and immediately all my friends asked what had happened to me that I would suddenly turn on everything I believed in and strive for a life that would make me misrable.

I suppose it all comes down to the simple fact that now matter how hard we try, we can no more tell a balloon to come out of the sky than we can tell a rock to rise from the ground. I was never meant to be a rock. I was born with my head in the clouds, I will die in a rainstorm and the most you can do is tie me to a chain link fence in hopes that I will stay put.
I've been there before. I've done it. In the end, I deflated and died.
There are only so many times one can die in a lifetime.

I used to be so much more than I've become. I spend 45 hours a week trying to censor who I am and contain the visions I see for this world. But the rest of the time, when there are no witnesses, I am free.

I can only stay on this life support for so long...