Seen a shooting star tonight
And I thought of me
If I was still the same
If I ever became what you wanted me to be
-Bob Dylan
I fell asleep on the couch tonight and had the strangest dream...
I dreamed I was in a field of Giraffes who were just living their lives as usual, eating leaves off trees and bumping into each other in all their awkward beauty.
But then a bunch of people started shouting at them, calling them names, trying to force them to hang their heads in shame, slouch, bend their necks.
They saw me as one of them, despite being human and they slowly stated to gather around me. The voices continued and it seemed as if we were enclosed in a zoo and some sort of police type group was issuing the orders to hang our heads. Some of them slightly lowered their necks but then something strange happened.
Some of them continued to gather and a group but several of them broke off in pairs and they all began "necking" in the only way Giraffes can show affection and love.
Then I heard this voice... it might have been mine but I could see in first and third person at the same time so it's hard to be sure. And this voice was soft but strong and it said
"Don't you see? There are some things God made too powerful for you to break. They can either raise their heads up or bow them down but never hang their heads in shame. They just weren't built that way. You can tell them what you want to do but that doesn't mean they can ever do it. God didn't create them that way. They were created unlike any other creature on earth and for a specific purpose. They were created to be too strong to break."
And with that, they all raised their heads and the police backed off in fear. The zoo pen became this beautiful lush garden and the sun shone brighter than before.
I don't know what caused me to have the dream but I know what ti means to me.
Giraffes are the most vulnerable, disadvantaged proof of the power of all God's creations.
They have no vocal chords to speak, no arms to hold or touch or express love or frustration. No way to protect themselves in the face of danger...
But, they are the only animals of their kind. A physiological impossibility greater than the bumble bee. And in order to just survive and eat and function like other normal animals, they need four hearts to get the job done.
They literally had to do the work of four hearts while every other land-dwelling animal walks around taking their own hearts for granted.
I think it speaks a lot about people. Some walk around with the strength of ten hearts just trying to survive all they've seen in life while others carelessly toss their hearts around without any regard.
My world is full of Giraffes.
We live through the worst this world has to offer us and are cast out for not fitting in.
But we are the strong ones. The ones created to be unbreakable. We have the heart to save the broken ones of the world.
It's only a month into this year but it's a lightning-quick path to things this world isn't prepared to believe in.
There are few things of which I am ever so certain, and I am never wrong.
Tuesday, January 31, 2012
Monday, January 30, 2012
Flutterflies and Such
Despite being sick, I've had a really good day. My email inbox has been off the hook with happy messages from far away friends filled with wonderful stories of awesomeness and beauty.
And as a result, every time my computer tells me I have a new message, my heart skips a beat and gets all flustery.
I wish happiness like this could be constant. But then, if it were, I doubt we'd appreciate it as much.
It clouds my heart with sadness that we should long for pain simply to be able to enjoy happiness. I guess there are some things only God can understand.
In the meantime, I intend to read more Dylan, listen to more music, let the flutterflies run rampant and let this feeling of joy penetrate my soul for as long as possible. :D
"It frightens me, the awful truth, of how sweet life can be..."
-Bob Dylan
And as a result, every time my computer tells me I have a new message, my heart skips a beat and gets all flustery.
I wish happiness like this could be constant. But then, if it were, I doubt we'd appreciate it as much.
It clouds my heart with sadness that we should long for pain simply to be able to enjoy happiness. I guess there are some things only God can understand.
In the meantime, I intend to read more Dylan, listen to more music, let the flutterflies run rampant and let this feeling of joy penetrate my soul for as long as possible. :D
"It frightens me, the awful truth, of how sweet life can be..."
-Bob Dylan
Allie's list of Shinyhappyprettysparkle Stuff
The last week had been incredibly difficult, but I feel like a new September sky just after a big monsoon has lifted.
I feel soaked to the bone in life and everything it presses on the human soul but at the same time, I know that rain will start to grow new life and from that life will sprout the blossom of beautiful things. I haven't felt this alive in years and I think for the first time in a long while, God is smiling down on me. Not that he was frowning at me before, but I have to believe His heart aches with mine or else He would be a pretty uncaring father.
BUT!! Sunshine and happiness of less than mediocre importance!! (since this is my blog for all matters of the heart)
1. I went to the mall today. I don't really like the mall and I even less like shopping for clothes when I have to but with all that's happened lately, in letting go of a dark past it seems to have taken a few dress sizes with it and I need smaller cuter jeans that don't fall off...
Shopping for anything out of necessity is always slightly self-abusive because in my experience, one woman's "cute" is another woman's "Good LORD get yourself away from that Bedazzler!!" and apparently the new fashion trend is to rip up a perfectly good pair of jeans, bleach the front and back thigh areas and COVER the back pockets with plastic sparkly buttons, beads, threads and other junk most likely created in a sweatshop in China.
Needless to say, Allie did not walk away with new jeans. BUT! I got a new shirt. It fits everywhere perfectly except for the shoulders and completely fall off in an awesomely 80s style. I'm more than certain that wasn't the designer's intention but when I tried the next size smaller I looked like a ridiculously chubby bumble bee... with great shoulders... ha!
2. I'm cool. :)
I know this is an entirely arbitrary statement but as of late, people seem to feel compelled to tell me of their perceived notions of my coolness. This seems to be emphasized during trips to the mall. I wandered through Hot Topic looking for new 2g earrings and had my hair pulled back in these funky half-pigtails with streaks of blue and purple hanging down in the front. Some poor store clerk who couldn't have been more than maybe 22 years old followed me around trying to impress me with his wit and complimented on the awesomeness of my sapphire-streaked locks.
Now, at a place like Hot Topic, I would expect nothing less. But last week I ran into the vice president of the pretty conservative company I work for and when he saw me with green bangs and blue and purple hair, I fully expected him to tell me to tone it down (which would have been fine, given my job) but he said he LIKED it and that I looked "tropical" which made me bust up laughing. I think I might start a new religion. We'll call ourselves the "Tropical Christians" and everyone will have rainbow hair and tattoos and lots of piercings and our denominational flag will be tie-dyed. :) I could so make a fortune... :)
3. The sky was blue today! Not for very long, but I think about 15 minutes of the day didn't have rain and I actually saw the SUN shining down. It was like Easter. :D
4. The Bukkit List is shrinking! I created a list about a decade ago of people to track down in my life before I die. Yesterday I found one of my favorite high school teachers and wrote him a message about what I learned from him about believing in myself and being 100% of myself in a world that likes to intimidate you into being in the lower 40th percentile. And today he wrote back.
I was inspired to once again continue the search for my all-time absolute most favorite English teacher and I think I might have FINALLY found him. I have a freakishly detailed memory and I ended up doing a search based on information he once told our class (more than ten years ago) about where he went to college. I mean, who remembers that stuff? I ran into another old teacher of mine a couple years after high school and when I told her I was trying to track that certain teacher down, she said he'd moved to another country somewhere in Asia. Search for a white guy with an apparently very common name, who lives in nonspecific Asian country who went to a corn-fed college and has little to no paper trail on the internet, despite my very best geekgirl hacker skills.
Dear life, thanks for making things EASY for me...
There are some people though, who just radically alter your life. Not a day goes by that he isn't still some part of influence. Every time I listen to Dylan's "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue" I remember how he gave that song to us as an assignment for poetry interpretation and he completely stole my dirty hippie 17-year-old heart.
When I worked in tech support and found myself telling a customer "Your computer isn't broken and your software doesn't need to be reinstalled. It's like a car. You think you have a cracked engine block and need to replace your whole car but in reality, it's just a flat tire and a bent axle. We can fix it" and the customer asked if I was a mechanic in a previous life because I was able to so clearly make him understand exactly what was going on. I told him I was blessed with a really cool teacher my senior year who recognized my love of poetry and asked me to help out some struggling hispanic "gansta" boys in class who couldn't understand the meaning of John Donne's poetry and I somehow helped them pass by relating the structure to rebuilding an intake manifold or something.
In the summer of 2005 I FINALLY made it to my personal Mecca at the corner of Haight and Ashbury in San Fransisco and felt myself face to face with a mega Gap store and wondering when peace, love, and happiness were replaced by skinny jeans and polar fleece. But he was there. Because in my yearbook he PROMISED he'd come find me someday playing my guitar on that specific street corner and he said I could go find him raising ocelots in Australia.
I don't know why I remember these things or why I've held them so dear to my heart all these years but I know the first time I stood in the front row and watched Dylan sing I thought "this moment will change my life forever" and it did.
The day I finished the first draft of my first book I thought "this moment is something I'll never forget" and when legendary slam poet Jack McCarthy introduced me for my first paid gig at an out of town poetry venue there were only four people who I thought "I REALLY wish they could see me now" and they were all former teachers and they all taught English. One of them is dead, one of them never responded to the message I sent to (who I thought was)them, one is still MIA somewhere in southern California (based on the last tips I got) and the final one is Justin, the ocelot lover.
For as excited as I am, part of me is also afraid he won't remember me and I'm pretty sure "You're one of the biggest and best influences of my LIFE!" followed by "I'm sorry... who are you?" would be a pretty awkward conversation. I definitely should have had "tropical" hair at a younger age. People never forget me now! :)
I think that's why my list so so important though. For as much as I'm afraid of someone not remembering me, I'm even more afraid of someone living their whole life and never knowing the fullness of the positive impact they make in this world. Plus, how COOL would it be to know that ONE act you did more than a decade ago for some nerdy bookworm high school girl ended up helping THOUSANDS of people all over the world. Seriously. That's pretty rad. I don't do tech support anymore but I was LONG known for being "The Car Lady" and other coworkers even asked me several times to teach them how to "talk about car stuff" but supposedly no one could ever really nail it the way I did. And that makes me proud. Not because I'm awesome of my own accord but because my awesomeness grows from the root of someone else's influence.
When we die, we take nothing to heaven but our souls. What we leave behind could save or destroy the next generation. I feel like I've got a lot to offer the world because a lot was left in my hands. And that's super rad too. :)
"When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it - don't back down and don't give up - then you're going to mystify a lot of folks."
-Bob Dylan
Tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up and be the coolest tropical 80s bumblebee this world have ever seen.
And it's going to be beautiful.
:)
I feel soaked to the bone in life and everything it presses on the human soul but at the same time, I know that rain will start to grow new life and from that life will sprout the blossom of beautiful things. I haven't felt this alive in years and I think for the first time in a long while, God is smiling down on me. Not that he was frowning at me before, but I have to believe His heart aches with mine or else He would be a pretty uncaring father.
BUT!! Sunshine and happiness of less than mediocre importance!! (since this is my blog for all matters of the heart)
1. I went to the mall today. I don't really like the mall and I even less like shopping for clothes when I have to but with all that's happened lately, in letting go of a dark past it seems to have taken a few dress sizes with it and I need smaller cuter jeans that don't fall off...
Shopping for anything out of necessity is always slightly self-abusive because in my experience, one woman's "cute" is another woman's "Good LORD get yourself away from that Bedazzler!!" and apparently the new fashion trend is to rip up a perfectly good pair of jeans, bleach the front and back thigh areas and COVER the back pockets with plastic sparkly buttons, beads, threads and other junk most likely created in a sweatshop in China.
Needless to say, Allie did not walk away with new jeans. BUT! I got a new shirt. It fits everywhere perfectly except for the shoulders and completely fall off in an awesomely 80s style. I'm more than certain that wasn't the designer's intention but when I tried the next size smaller I looked like a ridiculously chubby bumble bee... with great shoulders... ha!
2. I'm cool. :)
I know this is an entirely arbitrary statement but as of late, people seem to feel compelled to tell me of their perceived notions of my coolness. This seems to be emphasized during trips to the mall. I wandered through Hot Topic looking for new 2g earrings and had my hair pulled back in these funky half-pigtails with streaks of blue and purple hanging down in the front. Some poor store clerk who couldn't have been more than maybe 22 years old followed me around trying to impress me with his wit and complimented on the awesomeness of my sapphire-streaked locks.
Now, at a place like Hot Topic, I would expect nothing less. But last week I ran into the vice president of the pretty conservative company I work for and when he saw me with green bangs and blue and purple hair, I fully expected him to tell me to tone it down (which would have been fine, given my job) but he said he LIKED it and that I looked "tropical" which made me bust up laughing. I think I might start a new religion. We'll call ourselves the "Tropical Christians" and everyone will have rainbow hair and tattoos and lots of piercings and our denominational flag will be tie-dyed. :) I could so make a fortune... :)
3. The sky was blue today! Not for very long, but I think about 15 minutes of the day didn't have rain and I actually saw the SUN shining down. It was like Easter. :D
4. The Bukkit List is shrinking! I created a list about a decade ago of people to track down in my life before I die. Yesterday I found one of my favorite high school teachers and wrote him a message about what I learned from him about believing in myself and being 100% of myself in a world that likes to intimidate you into being in the lower 40th percentile. And today he wrote back.
I was inspired to once again continue the search for my all-time absolute most favorite English teacher and I think I might have FINALLY found him. I have a freakishly detailed memory and I ended up doing a search based on information he once told our class (more than ten years ago) about where he went to college. I mean, who remembers that stuff? I ran into another old teacher of mine a couple years after high school and when I told her I was trying to track that certain teacher down, she said he'd moved to another country somewhere in Asia. Search for a white guy with an apparently very common name, who lives in nonspecific Asian country who went to a corn-fed college and has little to no paper trail on the internet, despite my very best geekgirl hacker skills.
Dear life, thanks for making things EASY for me...
There are some people though, who just radically alter your life. Not a day goes by that he isn't still some part of influence. Every time I listen to Dylan's "It's All Over Now, Baby Blue" I remember how he gave that song to us as an assignment for poetry interpretation and he completely stole my dirty hippie 17-year-old heart.
When I worked in tech support and found myself telling a customer "Your computer isn't broken and your software doesn't need to be reinstalled. It's like a car. You think you have a cracked engine block and need to replace your whole car but in reality, it's just a flat tire and a bent axle. We can fix it" and the customer asked if I was a mechanic in a previous life because I was able to so clearly make him understand exactly what was going on. I told him I was blessed with a really cool teacher my senior year who recognized my love of poetry and asked me to help out some struggling hispanic "gansta" boys in class who couldn't understand the meaning of John Donne's poetry and I somehow helped them pass by relating the structure to rebuilding an intake manifold or something.
In the summer of 2005 I FINALLY made it to my personal Mecca at the corner of Haight and Ashbury in San Fransisco and felt myself face to face with a mega Gap store and wondering when peace, love, and happiness were replaced by skinny jeans and polar fleece. But he was there. Because in my yearbook he PROMISED he'd come find me someday playing my guitar on that specific street corner and he said I could go find him raising ocelots in Australia.
I don't know why I remember these things or why I've held them so dear to my heart all these years but I know the first time I stood in the front row and watched Dylan sing I thought "this moment will change my life forever" and it did.
The day I finished the first draft of my first book I thought "this moment is something I'll never forget" and when legendary slam poet Jack McCarthy introduced me for my first paid gig at an out of town poetry venue there were only four people who I thought "I REALLY wish they could see me now" and they were all former teachers and they all taught English. One of them is dead, one of them never responded to the message I sent to (who I thought was)them, one is still MIA somewhere in southern California (based on the last tips I got) and the final one is Justin, the ocelot lover.
For as excited as I am, part of me is also afraid he won't remember me and I'm pretty sure "You're one of the biggest and best influences of my LIFE!" followed by "I'm sorry... who are you?" would be a pretty awkward conversation. I definitely should have had "tropical" hair at a younger age. People never forget me now! :)
I think that's why my list so so important though. For as much as I'm afraid of someone not remembering me, I'm even more afraid of someone living their whole life and never knowing the fullness of the positive impact they make in this world. Plus, how COOL would it be to know that ONE act you did more than a decade ago for some nerdy bookworm high school girl ended up helping THOUSANDS of people all over the world. Seriously. That's pretty rad. I don't do tech support anymore but I was LONG known for being "The Car Lady" and other coworkers even asked me several times to teach them how to "talk about car stuff" but supposedly no one could ever really nail it the way I did. And that makes me proud. Not because I'm awesome of my own accord but because my awesomeness grows from the root of someone else's influence.
When we die, we take nothing to heaven but our souls. What we leave behind could save or destroy the next generation. I feel like I've got a lot to offer the world because a lot was left in my hands. And that's super rad too. :)
"When you feel in your gut what you are and then dynamically pursue it - don't back down and don't give up - then you're going to mystify a lot of folks."
-Bob Dylan
Tomorrow, I'm gonna wake up and be the coolest tropical 80s bumblebee this world have ever seen.
And it's going to be beautiful.
:)
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Allie's Big Glass of Whiskey Tango Fustercluck (on the rocks)
"I want to know you from the inside out and the outside in. ...I want to know your soul and spirit like my own. It scares me how much emotion you bring up in me. I want to forget it all and climb to your rescue, carry you down and ride off into the sunset.... happily ever after.
One day..... one day it will be exactly that."
Sounds romantic, right?
I was two weeks pregnant with his child when he sent me that valentine's day letter. Five years after the rape I read that letter and have to chuckle to myself at the irony. I think he more than accomplished the "know you from the inside" part. Maybe it shouldn't make me laugh. But holy hell, if I can't laugh then it's just a creepy letter I can't explain and it scares me to think he might have actually meant any of what he said.
Stacks of letters. Signed with X's and O's and stamped with hearts on sealing wax.
Such romance.
Such a grotesquely inappropriate response.
Maybe he really did care about me. Maybe he really meant all that stuff about love and being together someday. Maybe he was just saying it to make up for what he did. I remember he came to my college graduation party six weeks later. I didn't want him there but I was more afraid of him showing up uninvited than inviting him there unwanted. It was a small gathering of friends and family, potluck style. No gifts were required. Most friends brought donuts because well, that's generally the best kind of present you can give a girl. five dozen donuts between 6 different friends. And then he arrived.
He brought a HUGE vegetable platter that was inappropriately overcompensating an pretty obvious, given that everyone knew it was small and informal and everyone knew he knew that in advance. Then there was the more inappropriate gift of a $50+ bottle Cabo Wabo tequila because he knew I was a fan of Sammy Hagar. Then there was a beyond suspicious for someone CLEARLY not dating me gift of TWO DOZEN long stem red roses from what is widely known as the snootiest and most expensive floral shop in town. And everyone who knows me for more than five minutes knows I absolutely HATE red roses. And if that wasn't enough to paint the walls red with guilt, he also brought a bag of assorted presents totaling somewhere around $150 which brought his guilt payment to a grand total of about $325 worth of stuff to try to make him look good and look as if he cared for me.
No one knew at the time what he had done to me. No one knew I was pregnant or that the baby was dying and that I was throwing up every morning. I was still trying to convince myself that all the sudden changes my body was going through was just a random coincidence.
No one knew what was going on but my friends all told me in the following weeks that he set off all their "super creepy" warning lights and they all spent the day trying to play goal tender to keep him away from me. My favorite ex-boyfriend was my greatest hero of all. And it wasn't until he left that the guy finally vacated my house. He had to be the last man standing. Had to make sure my parents saw all the wonderful presents he gave me. Had to make sure everyone at the party saw he brought the expensive roses. Had to keep bringing me drinks I didn't ask him to make me.
Everyone could see something was wrong but no one could put their finger on it out of context.
In five-year retrospect, I don't know which I find more haunting or disturbing -- the thought that he actually DID love me on some level or the thought that he would go so incredibly far to manipulate a person and evil situation to work to his favour and make him innocent of all blame.
For as much as I wish I could watch my little girl grow up, I'm glad she never lived to see this world. Whenever I start to wonder if maybe I cold have made a good life for her I hear this little whisper "custody... parenting plan... child support... parents -- forever. joined together -- forever. Never escaping him -- forever" and I realize just how much God saved me too.
One day..... one day it will be exactly that."
Sounds romantic, right?
I was two weeks pregnant with his child when he sent me that valentine's day letter. Five years after the rape I read that letter and have to chuckle to myself at the irony. I think he more than accomplished the "know you from the inside" part. Maybe it shouldn't make me laugh. But holy hell, if I can't laugh then it's just a creepy letter I can't explain and it scares me to think he might have actually meant any of what he said.
Stacks of letters. Signed with X's and O's and stamped with hearts on sealing wax.
Such romance.
Such a grotesquely inappropriate response.
Maybe he really did care about me. Maybe he really meant all that stuff about love and being together someday. Maybe he was just saying it to make up for what he did. I remember he came to my college graduation party six weeks later. I didn't want him there but I was more afraid of him showing up uninvited than inviting him there unwanted. It was a small gathering of friends and family, potluck style. No gifts were required. Most friends brought donuts because well, that's generally the best kind of present you can give a girl. five dozen donuts between 6 different friends. And then he arrived.
He brought a HUGE vegetable platter that was inappropriately overcompensating an pretty obvious, given that everyone knew it was small and informal and everyone knew he knew that in advance. Then there was the more inappropriate gift of a $50+ bottle Cabo Wabo tequila because he knew I was a fan of Sammy Hagar. Then there was a beyond suspicious for someone CLEARLY not dating me gift of TWO DOZEN long stem red roses from what is widely known as the snootiest and most expensive floral shop in town. And everyone who knows me for more than five minutes knows I absolutely HATE red roses. And if that wasn't enough to paint the walls red with guilt, he also brought a bag of assorted presents totaling somewhere around $150 which brought his guilt payment to a grand total of about $325 worth of stuff to try to make him look good and look as if he cared for me.
No one knew at the time what he had done to me. No one knew I was pregnant or that the baby was dying and that I was throwing up every morning. I was still trying to convince myself that all the sudden changes my body was going through was just a random coincidence.
No one knew what was going on but my friends all told me in the following weeks that he set off all their "super creepy" warning lights and they all spent the day trying to play goal tender to keep him away from me. My favorite ex-boyfriend was my greatest hero of all. And it wasn't until he left that the guy finally vacated my house. He had to be the last man standing. Had to make sure my parents saw all the wonderful presents he gave me. Had to make sure everyone at the party saw he brought the expensive roses. Had to keep bringing me drinks I didn't ask him to make me.
Everyone could see something was wrong but no one could put their finger on it out of context.
In five-year retrospect, I don't know which I find more haunting or disturbing -- the thought that he actually DID love me on some level or the thought that he would go so incredibly far to manipulate a person and evil situation to work to his favour and make him innocent of all blame.
For as much as I wish I could watch my little girl grow up, I'm glad she never lived to see this world. Whenever I start to wonder if maybe I cold have made a good life for her I hear this little whisper "custody... parenting plan... child support... parents -- forever. joined together -- forever. Never escaping him -- forever" and I realize just how much God saved me too.
Saturday, January 28, 2012
The Moment it Comes Undone
I drove down the road with no street lights
to see if I could remember a memory.
Turns out the body holds secrets
and the mind just sets them free.
But this isn't about you and me; this is about cars.
Driving.
Moving.
Escaping this thing called reality.
She says I'm not who I say I am,
just a legend in my own mind.
She says it ain't possible for a girl
to live so many lives.
Maybe I don't sleep as much as you
but if sand in my shoes aren't proof
I've been with Moses
then you can go build your own desert
and make judgments on yourself.
But this isn't about me and her; this is about the truth.
Living.
Feeling.
Breathing. Dying inside these walls.
This is the final moment, the crux of the show.
we fight back the tears with proud faces
when exasperations grow.
She wants to know "how long it takes to get over it"
Like we're waiting on melting snow.
But I've walked the desert with Moses
And some never make it that far.
I've got blisters and tear-filled stories
if you really want to know.
But this isn't about your time tables
as fire spreads on my tongue
This is about surviving,
in the moments it comes undone.
She says I'm not really a writer
like I'd never stand a chance
and writes me off with the mortgage
without a second glance.
For this is my journey with Moses
As we wipe our sand-filled eyes.
We'd seen the truth, we've heard the people
We see them for their lies.
Even the length of the darkest desert
was crossed by more than one.
and the reason it takes us longer
is the moments it comes undone.
It's okay to go to sleep now.
It's finally after 3.
to see if I could remember a memory.
Turns out the body holds secrets
and the mind just sets them free.
But this isn't about you and me; this is about cars.
Driving.
Moving.
Escaping this thing called reality.
She says I'm not who I say I am,
just a legend in my own mind.
She says it ain't possible for a girl
to live so many lives.
Maybe I don't sleep as much as you
but if sand in my shoes aren't proof
I've been with Moses
then you can go build your own desert
and make judgments on yourself.
But this isn't about me and her; this is about the truth.
Living.
Feeling.
Breathing. Dying inside these walls.
This is the final moment, the crux of the show.
we fight back the tears with proud faces
when exasperations grow.
She wants to know "how long it takes to get over it"
Like we're waiting on melting snow.
But I've walked the desert with Moses
And some never make it that far.
I've got blisters and tear-filled stories
if you really want to know.
But this isn't about your time tables
as fire spreads on my tongue
This is about surviving,
in the moments it comes undone.
She says I'm not really a writer
like I'd never stand a chance
and writes me off with the mortgage
without a second glance.
For this is my journey with Moses
As we wipe our sand-filled eyes.
We'd seen the truth, we've heard the people
We see them for their lies.
Even the length of the darkest desert
was crossed by more than one.
and the reason it takes us longer
is the moments it comes undone.
It's okay to go to sleep now.
It's finally after 3.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Unexpected Phrases
This week has been a hard pill to swallow in so many ways. Every time I think I've seen it all, the sky explodes on me and the earth splits open. Sometimes God's love also looks like God's spite and it's a bit of a mixed message lately.
A few weeks ago I found out a person from my past has reappeared in town and was in very close proximity to where I live and work. I didn't necessarily have a "falling out" with the guy so much as there was a whole social dynamic involved with a sudden paradigm shift that caused me to go off their grid and cut all ties because things were just getting out of control.
Eventually, the dynamic split, dispersed and faded away.
I had been avoiding where I knew he would be simply because I don't exactly know where he and I left off from his perspective and if he wouldn't be happy to see me, I certainly didn't want to run into him by accident.
And of course, as I was walking home from work, he stepped out of a downtown shop for a cigarette and landed directly in my path. My hair is about 14 inches longer, different colours and I was wearing a scarf and long trench coat. I didn't expect him to recognize me. I've run into FRIENDS who didn't recognize me in my "winter gear."
And yet there he was, a little stunned and staring me down face to face. I kind of awkwardly half-waved as his girlfriend stepped out from behind him. They both said hi, both called me by name. The girlfriend commented on how long my hair was and how she liked it.
We made slightly awkward pleasantries and small talk for a moment and I finally said "So, I heard you were back in town" and before I could even think of what to say he shoved his hand out at me to shake mine and says "I owe you an apology." We're different people now and things were bad the way they went down. We're not like that anymore and I'm really sorry for how things ended."
I kinda stood there staring at him, slightly dumbfounded and completely clueless as to what I was supposed to say. And of course, my mouth took over with the truth. I told him I really enjoyed being friends with everyone in the group but whatever happened, whenever it happened, it was something I never wanted to get dragged into and after a while, the same old thing got, well, old.
He said he completely agreed and he basically asked for a second chance. And without even stopping to weigh my options, the slate was suddenly wiped clean. He's not someone I had strong ill will against and he's not someone who "seriously" wronged me but he was definitely not someone I was planning to try to reconcile a friendship with so it kind of caught me off guard how quickly and completely I forgave him. I twas like nothing ever happened. It was cool.
Before my brain could even go over the "now don't forget, people have to prove themselves" pep talk, he followed up with "And I'd like to buy you a drink some time but i know you don't like alcohol so how about I buy you an orange juice."
Suddenly I couldn't stop laughing. I'm not "anti-alcohol" so much as "anti- party scene" and I used to get harassed by the social group for being a square when we hung out. So his offer for juice was both hilarious and incredibly sweet.
I walked the rest of the way home with the most intense "what the HELL just HAPPENED here???" look on my face but I feel like maybe it was one of those gifts you don't even "need" but are given out of the blue anyway. A touch of Grace, as it were.
I could have lived my entire life without an apology from him and been just fine and gotten on with his life. But he sought me out and wanted to make things right.
Given certain dynamics and other events that have happened this week, I can't help but feel a tiny bit like God was trying to make it up to me. There are certain justices I'll never get. Certain apologies I really need but will never hear. Maybe He's trying to give me whatever he can to make up for the prayers he's not able to answer. And you know, I think I'm okay with that.
Beggars can't be choosers and when it comes to God's love, I'll take whatever I can get.
A few weeks ago I found out a person from my past has reappeared in town and was in very close proximity to where I live and work. I didn't necessarily have a "falling out" with the guy so much as there was a whole social dynamic involved with a sudden paradigm shift that caused me to go off their grid and cut all ties because things were just getting out of control.
Eventually, the dynamic split, dispersed and faded away.
I had been avoiding where I knew he would be simply because I don't exactly know where he and I left off from his perspective and if he wouldn't be happy to see me, I certainly didn't want to run into him by accident.
And of course, as I was walking home from work, he stepped out of a downtown shop for a cigarette and landed directly in my path. My hair is about 14 inches longer, different colours and I was wearing a scarf and long trench coat. I didn't expect him to recognize me. I've run into FRIENDS who didn't recognize me in my "winter gear."
And yet there he was, a little stunned and staring me down face to face. I kind of awkwardly half-waved as his girlfriend stepped out from behind him. They both said hi, both called me by name. The girlfriend commented on how long my hair was and how she liked it.
We made slightly awkward pleasantries and small talk for a moment and I finally said "So, I heard you were back in town" and before I could even think of what to say he shoved his hand out at me to shake mine and says "I owe you an apology." We're different people now and things were bad the way they went down. We're not like that anymore and I'm really sorry for how things ended."
I kinda stood there staring at him, slightly dumbfounded and completely clueless as to what I was supposed to say. And of course, my mouth took over with the truth. I told him I really enjoyed being friends with everyone in the group but whatever happened, whenever it happened, it was something I never wanted to get dragged into and after a while, the same old thing got, well, old.
He said he completely agreed and he basically asked for a second chance. And without even stopping to weigh my options, the slate was suddenly wiped clean. He's not someone I had strong ill will against and he's not someone who "seriously" wronged me but he was definitely not someone I was planning to try to reconcile a friendship with so it kind of caught me off guard how quickly and completely I forgave him. I twas like nothing ever happened. It was cool.
Before my brain could even go over the "now don't forget, people have to prove themselves" pep talk, he followed up with "And I'd like to buy you a drink some time but i know you don't like alcohol so how about I buy you an orange juice."
Suddenly I couldn't stop laughing. I'm not "anti-alcohol" so much as "anti- party scene" and I used to get harassed by the social group for being a square when we hung out. So his offer for juice was both hilarious and incredibly sweet.
I walked the rest of the way home with the most intense "what the HELL just HAPPENED here???" look on my face but I feel like maybe it was one of those gifts you don't even "need" but are given out of the blue anyway. A touch of Grace, as it were.
I could have lived my entire life without an apology from him and been just fine and gotten on with his life. But he sought me out and wanted to make things right.
Given certain dynamics and other events that have happened this week, I can't help but feel a tiny bit like God was trying to make it up to me. There are certain justices I'll never get. Certain apologies I really need but will never hear. Maybe He's trying to give me whatever he can to make up for the prayers he's not able to answer. And you know, I think I'm okay with that.
Beggars can't be choosers and when it comes to God's love, I'll take whatever I can get.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Like Crushed Powder
Is it hypocrisy or optimism to stand when all the world around you fades like a star in the sky? Is there sin in forcing a smile or did even Jesus hold his head up high? I wonder as I stare into the darkness if it's possible for this life to further pull any light from my eyes.
If I'm left with nothing, have I given up or merely grown content with what I have? There's no logic in missing the sun when your eyes close for sleep, but who has the right to take it away?
We spend lifetimes filling our heads with foolish hopes and dreams only to wake up on the cold floor of reality and wonder at the echo of our voices off the vast empty spaces of naivete.
Was I foolish to hope? Foolish to stop? Or a fool to think you should care?
If I'm left with nothing, have I given up or merely grown content with what I have? There's no logic in missing the sun when your eyes close for sleep, but who has the right to take it away?
We spend lifetimes filling our heads with foolish hopes and dreams only to wake up on the cold floor of reality and wonder at the echo of our voices off the vast empty spaces of naivete.
Was I foolish to hope? Foolish to stop? Or a fool to think you should care?
Saturday, January 21, 2012
It's the little things...
And then one day it happens - you stumble across an old holiday picture and wonder how it was ever real to begin with. How do you spend half a decade of New Year's Eves within someone and then suddenly never see them again?
It's not a desire to reclaim the past, just... a sadness, I guess, of feeling like it was just yesterday but when you turn around to look, it's a thousand miles away. It becomes a moment of "remember when we were so young and full of life? Remember how we smiled? Remember how we thought it'd last forever?"
And then one year you watch the ball drop on your world and everyone you know is on live tv while you watch them from your living room couch thinking "How did I get all the way over here?"
It only takes one "annual holiday party" to get canceled before cancellations become the new tradition. And it's not even that I feel sad, it's just... it's the little things in life that make you smile: the smell after a good rain, finding a toy surprise in the cereal box, hanging tinsel on the tree.
I guess tinsel is a thing of the past now too. We don't hold as tightly to traditions as we once did.
The funny thing is, I don't even remember much about what happened that night except the sudden decision that everyone had to dress up last minute and all I could find were a mismatching blouse and skirt in a pile of random stuff in the backseat of my car. All the excitement of that night, the year leading up to it, the year that followed, and all I can think about is a mismatched shirt.
Like I said, it's the little things that make you smile...
It's not a desire to reclaim the past, just... a sadness, I guess, of feeling like it was just yesterday but when you turn around to look, it's a thousand miles away. It becomes a moment of "remember when we were so young and full of life? Remember how we smiled? Remember how we thought it'd last forever?"
And then one year you watch the ball drop on your world and everyone you know is on live tv while you watch them from your living room couch thinking "How did I get all the way over here?"
It only takes one "annual holiday party" to get canceled before cancellations become the new tradition. And it's not even that I feel sad, it's just... it's the little things in life that make you smile: the smell after a good rain, finding a toy surprise in the cereal box, hanging tinsel on the tree.
I guess tinsel is a thing of the past now too. We don't hold as tightly to traditions as we once did.
The funny thing is, I don't even remember much about what happened that night except the sudden decision that everyone had to dress up last minute and all I could find were a mismatching blouse and skirt in a pile of random stuff in the backseat of my car. All the excitement of that night, the year leading up to it, the year that followed, and all I can think about is a mismatched shirt.
Like I said, it's the little things that make you smile...
Friday, January 13, 2012
BabyHeart 2
Apparently chihuahuas are out and babies are the new fashion accessories at social work functions.
Every time I turned around someone else was hold, bouncing, rocking or passing off a baby.
It was heartwrenching to watch.
As I walked home in the dark and cold, I passed the college kids of the town out drinking and having a "wild friday night" and I couldn't help but feel lost between the two generations.
The minute I opened the front door, my cat came running up to me and jumped to throw his front paws around me in a hug as he exploded into a fit of happy meows and purrs. I was barely able to make it to the couch with him stepping on my feet the whole way. I hadn't even sat down before he was climbing on my lap to give me kisses and cuddle with me and my eyes just filled with tears.
I have a sinking feeling this might be the most I ever get...
Every time I turned around someone else was hold, bouncing, rocking or passing off a baby.
It was heartwrenching to watch.
As I walked home in the dark and cold, I passed the college kids of the town out drinking and having a "wild friday night" and I couldn't help but feel lost between the two generations.
The minute I opened the front door, my cat came running up to me and jumped to throw his front paws around me in a hug as he exploded into a fit of happy meows and purrs. I was barely able to make it to the couch with him stepping on my feet the whole way. I hadn't even sat down before he was climbing on my lap to give me kisses and cuddle with me and my eyes just filled with tears.
I have a sinking feeling this might be the most I ever get...
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Two Hundred and Eleven Minutes
Twelve years ago I worked at a summer camp in Northern Arizona and met the sweetest 14-year-old who was not only on my floor in the dormitories but was in the room right next to mine. She had very overprotective parents with incredibly high expectations. I could tell she was trapped inside the person they wanted her to be and for whatever reason, we bonded really tight over the following two weeks.
We stayed in touch after that summer but I lost track of her around the time she went off to nursing school in college.
She was one of the few kids I continued to think about constantly over the years and I knew a girl like her with a childhood like she saw could either lead to total devastation or complete triumph.
By the grace of God she made it out not only okay but with flying colors despite some horrible obstacles life threw her way.
We eventually found each other again and she's continued to be like a little sister to me on the other side of the country. She's turned into a remarkable woman and mother.
I couldn't find my cell phone on my way to work this morning but on the days I can't find it, either no one calls or everyone calls. I was relaxing on the couch for a while when suddenly I felt this weird panic overcome me and I started to search the house for my phone.
When I found it, I also found the following text message:
My dear friend... I'm so sorry to be writing this to you but I have a brain tumor... gonna fight and try to fix it but I don't know yet if we'll be successful... thank you for being the best counselor a girl could ever have and for believing in me."
We talked for almost four hours. It's amazing how much there is to talk about when you're trying to avoid asking "So do you think you're going to die?" and the other person is avoiding saying "yes."
A friend of mine once compared the constant tragedies of my life to the life of Job.
I wonder how much darkness God intends to have me see before he brings some light... With each new call, I feel like more of me dies inside and I wonder if it's worse to die within the world or to live in a world constantly dying around you. I fake smiles and say "I'm fine" by default now and it's not something I'm proud to discover.
When I was little, the world was such a beautiful place full of wonder and joy.
What happened to my Eden?
We stayed in touch after that summer but I lost track of her around the time she went off to nursing school in college.
She was one of the few kids I continued to think about constantly over the years and I knew a girl like her with a childhood like she saw could either lead to total devastation or complete triumph.
By the grace of God she made it out not only okay but with flying colors despite some horrible obstacles life threw her way.
We eventually found each other again and she's continued to be like a little sister to me on the other side of the country. She's turned into a remarkable woman and mother.
I couldn't find my cell phone on my way to work this morning but on the days I can't find it, either no one calls or everyone calls. I was relaxing on the couch for a while when suddenly I felt this weird panic overcome me and I started to search the house for my phone.
When I found it, I also found the following text message:
My dear friend... I'm so sorry to be writing this to you but I have a brain tumor... gonna fight and try to fix it but I don't know yet if we'll be successful... thank you for being the best counselor a girl could ever have and for believing in me."
We talked for almost four hours. It's amazing how much there is to talk about when you're trying to avoid asking "So do you think you're going to die?" and the other person is avoiding saying "yes."
A friend of mine once compared the constant tragedies of my life to the life of Job.
I wonder how much darkness God intends to have me see before he brings some light... With each new call, I feel like more of me dies inside and I wonder if it's worse to die within the world or to live in a world constantly dying around you. I fake smiles and say "I'm fine" by default now and it's not something I'm proud to discover.
When I was little, the world was such a beautiful place full of wonder and joy.
What happened to my Eden?
Monday, January 9, 2012
Across the Wire and into the Night
Well, she was an American girl
Raised on promises
She couldn't help thinkin'
That there was a little more to life somewhere else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
I remember that knock on the window like it was yesterday. The fear of the unknown, the force at which I attempted to swallow air and smile in your presence. The way I thought the world spun around you... and the day the orbits stopped. Lights came crashing down and then... it was nothing but darkness.
And if she had to die tryin'
She had one little promise she was gonna keep
I remember lying awake at night, hearing the click of the tape recorder as it came to a stop; the voices retired but I could not. I remember listening to you breathe in and out, sucking the life out of my lungs and leaving me to suffocate in your surroundings.
Well it was kind of cold that night,
She stood alone on her balcony
Yeah, she could hear the cars roll by,
Out on 441 like waves crashin' on the beach
I remember the last time Petty came through town. The way you argued about sell-outs in the music industry; about satellite radio and the ways of old. But most of all, I remember the old records. The ones that predated our parents. The clicks and pops in the still of the night when war bonds went with floor wax and killing was still patriotic.
And for one desperate moment
There he crept back in her memory
I remember the secrets you told me. I remember the names.
In the end, 1936 was just another year for you and Rita Hayworth was just another alter ego for everything I failed to be. But God Almighty... to think I could ever forget?! You'd think the moon would sooner forget to rise above your bed at night.
God it's so painful when something that's so close
Is still so far out of reach
And still, 57 years later I'm the one with polished floors, steamed curls and a great big world full of popsicle stick dreams. I was the one who had to turn the lights out; I had to lock the doors. I was the only one brave enough to say goodbye but I never looked back when I walked away. Not until tonight. All these years, all these lifetimes, did you really think I'd forget your name? I breathed in the world and gave you my life. And You gave me static across a wire...
Raised on promises
She couldn't help thinkin'
That there was a little more to life somewhere else
After all it was a great big world
With lots of places to run to
I remember that knock on the window like it was yesterday. The fear of the unknown, the force at which I attempted to swallow air and smile in your presence. The way I thought the world spun around you... and the day the orbits stopped. Lights came crashing down and then... it was nothing but darkness.
And if she had to die tryin'
She had one little promise she was gonna keep
I remember lying awake at night, hearing the click of the tape recorder as it came to a stop; the voices retired but I could not. I remember listening to you breathe in and out, sucking the life out of my lungs and leaving me to suffocate in your surroundings.
Well it was kind of cold that night,
She stood alone on her balcony
Yeah, she could hear the cars roll by,
Out on 441 like waves crashin' on the beach
I remember the last time Petty came through town. The way you argued about sell-outs in the music industry; about satellite radio and the ways of old. But most of all, I remember the old records. The ones that predated our parents. The clicks and pops in the still of the night when war bonds went with floor wax and killing was still patriotic.
And for one desperate moment
There he crept back in her memory
I remember the secrets you told me. I remember the names.
In the end, 1936 was just another year for you and Rita Hayworth was just another alter ego for everything I failed to be. But God Almighty... to think I could ever forget?! You'd think the moon would sooner forget to rise above your bed at night.
God it's so painful when something that's so close
Is still so far out of reach
And still, 57 years later I'm the one with polished floors, steamed curls and a great big world full of popsicle stick dreams. I was the one who had to turn the lights out; I had to lock the doors. I was the only one brave enough to say goodbye but I never looked back when I walked away. Not until tonight. All these years, all these lifetimes, did you really think I'd forget your name? I breathed in the world and gave you my life. And You gave me static across a wire...
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
The Year the Wind Whispered Back
If the world were to end this December, I wouldn't be surprised or disappointed. You can only reach for the stars for so long until you finally get a fistful of heavenly sparkles struggling to break free from your grasp, why not let it be now?
God moves my life in circles and shifts... '05 circled back to '02, '07 circled back to '99 and now, '12 is undoubtedly circling back to '07.
One of my favorite pastors preached once on how you can't just start over from a point of deviation and expect to get back on course. You have to return to the moment of origin and choose a new course. You have to travel those same miles all over again, but on the right road. It looks familiar, but it's still new.
I've always believed life was like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book, where God knew all possible outcomes of each step, but we would only every know one storyline. The thing is, sometimes God quietly places the book in my own hands and says "Let's go back and see what was behind door #2... and you can decide which one to keep."
I wonder often if I'm the only one who sees the world this way, two linear lifetimes parallel, separate, yest still intertwining. I wonder what purpose it serves when the present doesn't replace the past but the past loses partial rights to its existence.
It's been five years but some roads will never be forgotten. Some paths are forever driven in my mind. Some lifetimes are forced to play on repeat without ever aging. And it is this cluster of roads I prepare to return to this weekend knowing full well that this is neither by accident nor coincidence. This is a return to the worst hand life has ever dealt. The darkest hole of hell imaginable.
But this time... I have a flashlight. And see, I already know the ending, already know how bad it was the first time so the second time around, maybe it won't hurt so bad. And that's where love comes in, I guess. Because without a flashlight, sometimes it's hard to see someone quietly pacing beside you, making sure you get out alive.
I'm a little fearful of the year to come but not due to its nature. I've seen the best and worst this world has to offer. I wouldn't have made it here on just one. It was meant to be this way and maybe knowing that and seeing through shiny hindsight glasses will make the hard parts of the future a little less bleak.
Of all the years to fear, this one is most deserving. I've spent a lifetime screaming at the moon. This year -- the wind whispers back... and everyone will hear what she has to say.
God moves my life in circles and shifts... '05 circled back to '02, '07 circled back to '99 and now, '12 is undoubtedly circling back to '07.
One of my favorite pastors preached once on how you can't just start over from a point of deviation and expect to get back on course. You have to return to the moment of origin and choose a new course. You have to travel those same miles all over again, but on the right road. It looks familiar, but it's still new.
I've always believed life was like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book, where God knew all possible outcomes of each step, but we would only every know one storyline. The thing is, sometimes God quietly places the book in my own hands and says "Let's go back and see what was behind door #2... and you can decide which one to keep."
I wonder often if I'm the only one who sees the world this way, two linear lifetimes parallel, separate, yest still intertwining. I wonder what purpose it serves when the present doesn't replace the past but the past loses partial rights to its existence.
It's been five years but some roads will never be forgotten. Some paths are forever driven in my mind. Some lifetimes are forced to play on repeat without ever aging. And it is this cluster of roads I prepare to return to this weekend knowing full well that this is neither by accident nor coincidence. This is a return to the worst hand life has ever dealt. The darkest hole of hell imaginable.
But this time... I have a flashlight. And see, I already know the ending, already know how bad it was the first time so the second time around, maybe it won't hurt so bad. And that's where love comes in, I guess. Because without a flashlight, sometimes it's hard to see someone quietly pacing beside you, making sure you get out alive.
I'm a little fearful of the year to come but not due to its nature. I've seen the best and worst this world has to offer. I wouldn't have made it here on just one. It was meant to be this way and maybe knowing that and seeing through shiny hindsight glasses will make the hard parts of the future a little less bleak.
Of all the years to fear, this one is most deserving. I've spent a lifetime screaming at the moon. This year -- the wind whispers back... and everyone will hear what she has to say.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Open Letter to 2011
Dear 2011,
Like Aslan after defeat of the White Witch, you left without saying good-bye; snuck out during the party and disappeared into the horizon. I had so many words prepared for you but alas, time slipped away and left you in my past with thoughts spilling out of my hands.
You were the late blooming flower, the last of the season no one had hope for and then -- the unexpected. You made good on dreams made in Ireland, you dragged me to the edge, threw me over and showed me what it meant to fly.
You found my worth, dusted it off and put it in the window for the rest of the world to see.
You planted faith in a garden of despair, grew roses and cherry blossoms out of thorns and still had time to raise the stakes again.
There's so much I could say but you've already left and I wonder if some things are meant to just stay our secret.
As for you, 2012, they say your fate is sealed but you and I know it's a handful of aces... and baby, we're all gonna die as rockstars.
Like Aslan after defeat of the White Witch, you left without saying good-bye; snuck out during the party and disappeared into the horizon. I had so many words prepared for you but alas, time slipped away and left you in my past with thoughts spilling out of my hands.
You were the late blooming flower, the last of the season no one had hope for and then -- the unexpected. You made good on dreams made in Ireland, you dragged me to the edge, threw me over and showed me what it meant to fly.
You found my worth, dusted it off and put it in the window for the rest of the world to see.
You planted faith in a garden of despair, grew roses and cherry blossoms out of thorns and still had time to raise the stakes again.
There's so much I could say but you've already left and I wonder if some things are meant to just stay our secret.
As for you, 2012, they say your fate is sealed but you and I know it's a handful of aces... and baby, we're all gonna die as rockstars.
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