Saturday was my birthday.
I'm officially 2 years from turning 30.
If there's only two things I've learned in the last 48 hours it's this:
1. I never expected to love or be loved as deeply as I am by people who have been pivotal flagstones during the most important times of my life. Years only add depth, not distance. At some point, I guess I just assumed love faded into complacent appreciation. I am loved by default. And then you find yourself having a 3am slumber party on someone else's couch and you realize that you are far more than you ever thought yourself capable to be. Not because of any particular achievement, but because you catch a look in someone's eyes and realize that "default" has never been in anyone's vocabulary but your own. And in that moment, I became Judy Collins. I really don't know love at all. But I know it is out there. I know how to give it out en masse. That was the easiest lesson in life. But no one ever taught me how to receive. Maybe it was expected that I would know. I thought I did. Like a Phoenix, I am just barely beginning to emerge from the ashes. Life has never been so unexpected.
2. It seems as though I live up to my fullest potential when I am completely honest. Unfortunately, honesty comes with the price of vulnerability. However, vulnerability is the fastest road to trust. This holy trinity of "becoming" is something I've long tried to fight off. It didn't occur to me until today but, I seem to be the most successful in life when I open my mouth and have no idea what to say. The hardest challenge now comes in trying to pull the nails out of dreams I long ago crucified in fear of stealing a fate not created for me. Like Jana Stanfield said, "What if we're all meant to be what we secretly dream?"
What if unfathomable dreams have been trapped in clenched hands for so long that I could no longer feel them struggling to escape.
The nigh insurmountable act of faith comes in two small words: letting go.
I got a new book for my birthday in which the author said her life began at 28.
Reading that page sent a chill down my spine.
it seems there are prophets among the shadows.
Speak to me, for I am listening...
Monday, April 27, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
More Life Lessons
1. jelly beans and salsa do NOT mix well together.
2. Don Pancho tortillas hold up about as well as 1-ply toilet paper trying to stop a leak int he Titanic.
3. A boy once told me "If I could afford to, I'd bring you flowers every day" and I thought "How HAPPY would me life be if I had flowers every day!?!" Four years later, I come in to work after the most GLORIOUS weekend and find dandelions on my desk.
I put them in water and they were still alive when I left.
4. Never in my life before today did it occur to me to put dandelions in water. I guess I never figured they'd last long since they always die a few hours after I stick them in my hair...
God, can you forgive me for how much I've underestimated the care you take in even the smallest of beauties?
2. Don Pancho tortillas hold up about as well as 1-ply toilet paper trying to stop a leak int he Titanic.
3. A boy once told me "If I could afford to, I'd bring you flowers every day" and I thought "How HAPPY would me life be if I had flowers every day!?!" Four years later, I come in to work after the most GLORIOUS weekend and find dandelions on my desk.
I put them in water and they were still alive when I left.
4. Never in my life before today did it occur to me to put dandelions in water. I guess I never figured they'd last long since they always die a few hours after I stick them in my hair...
God, can you forgive me for how much I've underestimated the care you take in even the smallest of beauties?
Monday, April 13, 2009
Life Lessons for a Monday Afternoon:
1. A sure sign you've gone overboard on your "casserole" skills: when you have a full an hearty meal and you haven't even added the cheese or pasta yet.
2. Hardware stores are fabulous places to hang out... but there's no way in hell a girl can buy sealant materials for redoing her bathroom without everything sounding obscene and causing her to burst into giggles.
3. Having a feminist mm definitely sets you apart from a huge majority of girls in the universe. Mainly, you can't lose patience with someone who doesn't know how to do home repairs, fix a flat tire, change spark plugs and make a casserole to feed 8 with only three ingredients and five spices.
4. Chives. No idea what the hell they're for but they don't make a noticeable difference when added to food. However, people tend to think you an exotic cook when you say things like "yeah... I just added a dash of chives for good measure."
5. I have it on good authority that "Democrats are all going to hell" and apparently it's listed in Leviticus. When I pointed out that Jesus himself was a Liberal, this seemed to not make too much of a difference in the other person's logic. LOL
6. Sometimes people surprise you. Sometimes they knock you FLAT on your ass when they pick dandelions and have them waiting for you at work. It brings out a a glaringly obvious point that I am entirely hypocritical in holding people very near and dear to my heart but somehow assuming 98% of the world does not hold me in the same regard. This seems to be the most confusing thought torturing me all day... why on EARTH would someone just randomly bring me flowers? Logic and Stupidity have been yelling at each other in my head all day. Stupidity has some hilarious points in its rebuttal.
7. Randomly receiving flowers is a nice salve to the sting of a bleary Monday morning that kicks you in the shins and reminds you how unhappy you are in a job that is not in your calling, not in your passion, not in your skill set and not what you used to do for a living. It hurts to know a job exists from I used to leave and cry every day that God would love me enough to do something I loved so very much and at which, I made such an incredible difference. But maybe dandelions are his way of saying I haven't been rendered totally useless yet.
8. I really really really REALLY miss working in television. It was only three days of work but I feel like my best friend just moved out of town and I won't see them for another ten years.
9. For as little effort as I put forth, I make a damn good casserole. (guess who's bowl is empty.)
10. My birthday is 11 days from tomorrow. For the first time in my life, I'm not excited about it. In fact, I've made plans to leave town on my birthday and spend it with the small group of friends whom I consider to be family, since my family is all at least 1,500 miles away. It's not a fear of getting old. I just want to disappear from everyone in this town for a while. I feel like an ant beneath a magnifying glass and I'm tired of everyone watching and waiting for me to burst into flames.
11. I miss home. I miss the effing SUN that comes out more than once every six freaking months. I miss being able to put on sunglasses, feel my skin bake in the afternoon heat and hang out at the river. I miss my friends. I miss people who "knew me when." I miss the friends I used to perform on stage with. I miss working for shitty wages at the biggest little radio station in the middle of the desert. I miss all the stupid rabbits that I had to fight not to run over on the college campus at night. I miss the smell of alfalfa and corn when the crops were ready for harvest. I miss sitting on the back porch and hearing the marching band practicing at the high school. I miss going to the country fair and knowing every single person who walked through the gates. I miss being no more than 2 miles from all of my best friends' houses. I miss the black sky thunderstorms and lighting that threatened to strike us all dead. And yet, I know if I moved back, nothing would still be the same...
I hate these grey skies. They are all-consuming in their misery. And yet I keep telling myself there's still hope for this city of subdued excitement. There has to be... I'm not prepared to die here. I was talking to a friend of mine today and he said the same thing he always says when I feel this way:
"it's not your fault. You're born to do other, better things."
He always says I'm destined for things bigger than this city. Bigger than any of us can imagine. I keep waiting for him to be right.
Until then, I suppose I'll have to settle for making really good casseroles.
*sigh*
2. Hardware stores are fabulous places to hang out... but there's no way in hell a girl can buy sealant materials for redoing her bathroom without everything sounding obscene and causing her to burst into giggles.
3. Having a feminist mm definitely sets you apart from a huge majority of girls in the universe. Mainly, you can't lose patience with someone who doesn't know how to do home repairs, fix a flat tire, change spark plugs and make a casserole to feed 8 with only three ingredients and five spices.
4. Chives. No idea what the hell they're for but they don't make a noticeable difference when added to food. However, people tend to think you an exotic cook when you say things like "yeah... I just added a dash of chives for good measure."
5. I have it on good authority that "Democrats are all going to hell" and apparently it's listed in Leviticus. When I pointed out that Jesus himself was a Liberal, this seemed to not make too much of a difference in the other person's logic. LOL
6. Sometimes people surprise you. Sometimes they knock you FLAT on your ass when they pick dandelions and have them waiting for you at work. It brings out a a glaringly obvious point that I am entirely hypocritical in holding people very near and dear to my heart but somehow assuming 98% of the world does not hold me in the same regard. This seems to be the most confusing thought torturing me all day... why on EARTH would someone just randomly bring me flowers? Logic and Stupidity have been yelling at each other in my head all day. Stupidity has some hilarious points in its rebuttal.
7. Randomly receiving flowers is a nice salve to the sting of a bleary Monday morning that kicks you in the shins and reminds you how unhappy you are in a job that is not in your calling, not in your passion, not in your skill set and not what you used to do for a living. It hurts to know a job exists from I used to leave and cry every day that God would love me enough to do something I loved so very much and at which, I made such an incredible difference. But maybe dandelions are his way of saying I haven't been rendered totally useless yet.
8. I really really really REALLY miss working in television. It was only three days of work but I feel like my best friend just moved out of town and I won't see them for another ten years.
9. For as little effort as I put forth, I make a damn good casserole. (guess who's bowl is empty.)
10. My birthday is 11 days from tomorrow. For the first time in my life, I'm not excited about it. In fact, I've made plans to leave town on my birthday and spend it with the small group of friends whom I consider to be family, since my family is all at least 1,500 miles away. It's not a fear of getting old. I just want to disappear from everyone in this town for a while. I feel like an ant beneath a magnifying glass and I'm tired of everyone watching and waiting for me to burst into flames.
11. I miss home. I miss the effing SUN that comes out more than once every six freaking months. I miss being able to put on sunglasses, feel my skin bake in the afternoon heat and hang out at the river. I miss my friends. I miss people who "knew me when." I miss the friends I used to perform on stage with. I miss working for shitty wages at the biggest little radio station in the middle of the desert. I miss all the stupid rabbits that I had to fight not to run over on the college campus at night. I miss the smell of alfalfa and corn when the crops were ready for harvest. I miss sitting on the back porch and hearing the marching band practicing at the high school. I miss going to the country fair and knowing every single person who walked through the gates. I miss being no more than 2 miles from all of my best friends' houses. I miss the black sky thunderstorms and lighting that threatened to strike us all dead. And yet, I know if I moved back, nothing would still be the same...
I hate these grey skies. They are all-consuming in their misery. And yet I keep telling myself there's still hope for this city of subdued excitement. There has to be... I'm not prepared to die here. I was talking to a friend of mine today and he said the same thing he always says when I feel this way:
"it's not your fault. You're born to do other, better things."
He always says I'm destined for things bigger than this city. Bigger than any of us can imagine. I keep waiting for him to be right.
Until then, I suppose I'll have to settle for making really good casseroles.
*sigh*
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Tiny Happys
I got four hours of sleep last night.
My first thought when I woke up this morning was
"WOW!!! Hey God, whatever you did... that was COOL!" and then like a three year old I said "Do it AGAIN!" and slept for another 15 minutes.
It felt like I slept for days.
Sometimes it's the little things in life that make life. Yes?
^_^
My first thought when I woke up this morning was
"WOW!!! Hey God, whatever you did... that was COOL!" and then like a three year old I said "Do it AGAIN!" and slept for another 15 minutes.
It felt like I slept for days.
Sometimes it's the little things in life that make life. Yes?
^_^
You Don't Bring Me Flowers Anymore...
There's something about rain in the middle of the night
that feel's like the sky is crying.
Or maybe it's just a tragic result of the fact that I can still smell someone else's hug on my shirt.
I'd be stupid to say I still have hope, but like I already said before, some diseases have no cures...
*sigh*
And baby I remember all the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh and I learned how to cry
Well, I learned how to love and I learned how to lie
So you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye
So you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye
You don't bring me flowers any more...
Olympia Bridge; 2007
that feel's like the sky is crying.
Or maybe it's just a tragic result of the fact that I can still smell someone else's hug on my shirt.
I'd be stupid to say I still have hope, but like I already said before, some diseases have no cures...
*sigh*
And baby I remember all the things you taught me
I learned how to laugh and I learned how to cry
Well, I learned how to love and I learned how to lie
So you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye
So you think I could learn how to tell you goodbye
You don't bring me flowers any more...
Olympia Bridge; 2007
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