Barefoot Island

"I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me."
-Simon and Garfunkle

Summer has reached an end and as if on cue, autumn has been instantly drenched in rain. I knew summer would eventually end, I just didn't expect it to slip away one night without even saying goodbye. I guess I never really knew what to expect beyond the unexpected to begin with, so I can't really be too upset by any sudden changes. I knew it would be about strength; about survival, trials, walking through fire and nearly insurmountable faith braided into thick ropes of life lessons.

On my way home tonight, as the dark sky poured rain down onto my windshield, Simon and Garfunkle's "I am a Rock" came on the radio and it made me think about a conversation I had with a coworker. *sigh* I promised myself I wouldn't get attached to anyone at this job because I didn't expect to be here very long. I still don't expect to be here much longer but it seems I have found a sudden trap in unlocking a friendship with one of the most intellectually stimulating people there.

I put up walls. People tore them down. I pulled back, people came closer. I reminded myself over and over "coworkers are coworkers, not friends" because I've been burned far too many times in the past to be foolish enough to let my guard down. I kept my thoughts to my poetry and my journals as best I could and fought to keep myself as much of an enigma as possible.
And dammit if it didn't all crumble at my feet one way or another.

Trust is a thing to be earned. I will probably always have trouble trusting people but some just have an ability to break down my walls with a single glance. Books were supposed to be my shield. Instead, they became the undercover catalyst for one of the most thought-provoking conversations I've had about literature in a month of Sundays.

I think what I find most intriguing about him, however, is how incredibly misunderstood he is by the rest of our team.

"I've built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It's laughter and it's loving I disdain."

Labeled as "the constantly grumpy guy", I have to wonder exactly upon which standards my coworkers base their determinations. The difference between people who smile and people who don't is interdependent upon how much they think about the world around them. I've noticed as I've gotten to know him more, whenever I get lost in thought and am enjoying the random internal conversations in my head, someone inevitably disrupts my peace to shout "SMILE! You look so angry!" and sometimes I want to shout back "I AM Angry! I was thinking about how EASILY obtainable biosand water filters could be in East Africa if only we had enough money to buy and fly them over so others wouldn't die from contaminated drinking water and they might actually stand a chance at living to see 18! You should be angry too!"

But alas, thoughts are for the "boring" and those with too much time on their hands. Or so I'm told. But this guy... he thinks. And when he speaks, he enriches my world, makes me laugh, and validates my own reasons for not smiling. It's not even that I am opposed to a world of happiness it's just... I don't know. The world didn't turn out the way I expected it to as a wide-eyed child and sometimes it's nice to have someone understand when and why you need to occasionally regroup. But it's also really nice to have someone inside my walls every now and then. It's a healthy reminder that not everything in this world is destructive either.

I feel both completely ready and wholly unprepared to leave for my next adventure. It would be so much easier to cut ties if I cared about no one along the way of life. But then, how sad would be my existence? Everything in me says I should remain an island forever and stick to superlatives for safety.  But then someone has to come along and fuck things up. This is the story of my life: an ever-softening heart failing to harden itself to the lies of the world. Even still, it brings me joy to see someone take interest in my continued existence on this planet, proving that, at least for now, I'm not a total waste of hydrogen and carbon.