BabyHeart

All my friends have babies.
Half of them complain about their babies on social media sites and how the children are driving them crazy to the point they wish they didn't have kids at all.

At the Christmas party, at least 6 couples chose to not leave their children at daycare per the free childcare for the event agreement and showed up with their babies. I'm not saying I disapprove of them not wanting to leave newborns in the hands of volunteer youth group church members but everywhere I turned all night, there were babies. And when I couldn't see them, I could hear them crying or making baby noises. and when it was quiet and I couldn't see them I was surrounded by pregnant women.

If it was summer or spring, I think I would have been okay.

A couple weeks ago I was at a drugstore picking something up and the lady behind the register spot my necklace and exploded with joy. She said, "You have an ANGEL!! I just LOVE angels!!!" so I showed her the necklace more close-up and explained it was a golden crystal angel and the letter G for my daughter, Grace.

She smiled and seemed content with that and didn't ask anything else.And I was kind of glad. I've found people to be generally sympathetic to the issue of miscarriage but when that's coupled with an unwanted pregnancy conceived of rape that ends in miscarriage... well, people tend to get that "I wish I never met you and I'm gonna walk away now" look on their faces and awkwardly try to politely bow out.

But the angel necklace was her birthday present last year and I wear it every day with all the love in my heart. I got it in the little girls jewelry department and it looked like the perfect piece of "first real" jewelry for a three year old.

I wear it every day and most people don't even notice it. Every once in a while a knowing friend will see it on me and tell me how much they love that I wear it every day and how happy it makes them to see it. This is a small but wonderfully healing cluster of friends in my world and they're part of the main reason I don't feel ashamed talking about the necklace.

This year she would have been four. I got my first cabbage patch doll when I was four. Her name was Ann. I didn't really like the name but her hair looked like spaghetti and I thought that was pretty cool. This October I found Skyler. A little Auburn haired, green eyed cabbage patch that I'm sure Gracie would have loved. I'm still not sure what compelled me to buy such an expensive present for a girl who would never get to play with it but as far as dolls go, Skyler seems pretty happy here and my cat hasn't tried to eat her limbs so I guess he knows she's special.

I fell asleep on the couch last night, had another night of restless dreams and woke up to a cat on my feet and apparently a Skyler in my arms.

Earlier yesterday I randomly stumbled upon a documentary called "The 46 year Pregnancy" about stone babies that "wouldn't come"... Gracie was six months delayed in her exit from this world. For six months I got violently ill every day and tried to convince myself the whole thing was in my head. I had never been pregnant, I had merely abandoned 8 years of vegetarianism for the weirdest meat cravings due to some unexplained iron deficiency, I gained weight because of stress of my last semester of college, I was nauseated because I was stressed about school and it was only just a great big random coincidence that it all started 6 weeks after the rape.

He and his friends spread rumours all over town that I made the whole thing up. I scanned the hospital paperwork and sent him the only picture I had of Grace - a disfigured rotting mass of an ended life in a ziplock bag that the doctor would later throw away in the the trash can with the kind and wise words of "just go home and get some therapy."

I would've been a good mother. Even if she was labeled a "rape baby" and people assumed I was a promiscuous unwed mother. She would have known every day that God alone chose her to be here and that I hated the reason for her existence but through God's own love, I learned how to love her too.

I'm glad she never had to live that kind of life and I truly believe she was given great mercy. But that doesn't make my arms feel less empty.
Maybe I'll never have a little Rainbow but at least I'll always have an angel...