It's hard to believe it's already been two weeks since the doctor said the words "It might be a tumour."
I mean, it's not really the kind of thing you expect to hear on a random Friday afternoon. I've been having blind episodes off and on in my right eye for about a year now and despite a proverbial brush off from a doctor last year, things didn't improve. In fact, they're 300% worse. I have new doctors now and they all seem very concerned.
It ended up not being a tumour but I wish it was. It's hard to play "The Gladness Game" when you have no idea what's wrong. The doctor says the nerves in my eye are clustered too tightly together. They could someday pinch together and cause permanent blindness. For now, it just feels like a pencil is constantly being shoved in my eye. It's scary. The most important things I do in life happen behind a camera or with a pen and poetry book or journal. But the Gladness Game continues nonetheless. I can choose to be scared and cry, or I can choose to ignore the elements of unknown, confused looks of medical specialists and fear of how much this will financially devastate me when it's over or I can find all the joy in it. Silver linings are sometimes nigh impossible to find but they're always there.
Thus far, I've managed to find at least one gladness, one "happy" each day. An older cousin of mine who I always wanted to know better but felt too awkward and shy to reach out to as a little kid has sudden been in touch with me on a regular basis. We're on opposite ends of our 30s but suddenly the age gap isn't so scary anymore. She told me in an email that she loves me and wants to become closer. It was like sunshine in my heart. :)
My best friend from 3rd grade who lives on the other side of the world has been messaging me every few days. She's praying for me and she's worried about me. We lost touch for almost 15 years, found each other on the internet and have discovered that playground promises of "friends forever" really do continue. That was like a rainbow across my sky.
One of my coworkers discreetly left a card of encouragement on my desk telling me he was praying for me and that I do a good job at work. And even now, days later in the middle of the night, it still makes me tear up because it reminded me that despite being the female minority and trying so hard to be tough and strong enough to keep up with the rest of the guys, at least one person realizes I'm still a girl and whether or not I'd ever let them see or suspect it at work, girls cry when they get scared. And it's nice to know one one of those unbreakableshakeable guys wouldn't think less of me if I couldn't always keep up a brave face.
I have headaches and pain during the day and I'm wide awake at night, but I have old time radio shows of Fibber McGee and Molly to make me giggle when I am finally able to drift off to sleep.
It's warm enough to sleep with the windows open, I can hear the faint whistle of trains off in the distance, and if I walk outside, I can see the moon shining its reflection on the bay.
Maybe life isn't perfect and scary monsters are lurking in closets and under beds... but there are always reasons to smile. There have to be. What good are eyes if they can only cry? What good are dreams if you never believe they'll come true? But most of all, what good is this life if you only stay on paved roads? Predictability is safe but we are each gifted in ways that call our hearts off the main path.
My heart lives in the wilderness. It's never been safe, it's never been familiar, but my God, it's always a beautiful adventure. I'd like to think that if God took my sight from me and people asked me why it happened I could smile and say, "I saw the world. And I saw so much of it that there was nothing left to see."
What a wonderful joy that would be! :)
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