Snow White's Mirror

"I just didn't want to be one of those girls who were made fun of..."

Words I didn't know could make me burst into tears coming from the beautiful best friend who everyone loved in high school. I guess everyone has their own Snow White at some time or another. No matter how many times you look in the mirror, you're still not the beautiful one. But beauty fades. And if you're lucky, people don't.

 It's funny how insignificant beauty seems to a woman of 90 and how it can mean life or death to a 16-year-old. I keep hearing those words echo in my head. "one of those girls." The ones who get made fun of. The words feel like a knife in the back thinking about how many times I was made fun of. But that wasn't the end of the sentence. She had my back. Even when I wasn't around to know what was being said. It's like a knife and a hug at the same time. I already know what was said to my face. I shudder to think what she defended me against. But to think the beautiful one, the popular one everyone wanted to hang out with, she defended me. Not out of pity. Not out of charity. She did it because we were friends. And it's not flattery because she was beautiful and everyone loved her. It's honour because until tonight, I spent the last 15 years not knowing what happened when I wasn't around. When she was. When she thought I was someone worth looking up to and I spent all my days looking down at the ground wondering why I couldn't be someone more like her.

I wish I'd had the option to be exempt from the elite classification of "One of those girls." It breaks my heart. Not because I can't let go of the past, but because I still get made fun of. The thing is, I just learned to stop caring. If people truly do fear things they don't understand then maybe being "scary" isn't as bad as the label makes it sound.

I saw my eight-year-old niece over Easter vacation. She wanted blue streaks in her hair just like me. She thought I was pretty and cool. We got extensions from the beauty store and I put them in her hair before she went outside to play. She wasn't outside on the playground for more than five minutes before she came running back inside, upset that some boy made fun of her. I was so mad! Mad at him. Mad at her for caring. Mad at myself for being "one of those girls" and not stopping my niece from putting herself in the same path of my former footsteps.

But she went back outside anyway and kept playing and I thought to myself, "Kid, someday some little girl is gonna want to be like you regardless of the cost and you'll understand how loved and proud I feel right now." And if that wasn't enough to melt a heart, my barely-three-year-old niece decided she had to have blue hair too. Straight blue streaks don't exactly fit in with honey brown ringlets. But when she smiled up at me and said "I look like you" all I could think was "Kid, you look the way I feel 99% of the time. Nothing matches and everyone can tell, but you rock it like a hurricane of awesome."

It's hard to look up to a kid that's barely tall enough to hug your knees but somehow it managed to happen. And I'm glad. Because when you're three, the wicked witch never wins and "being Snow White" simply means putting on a dress, any dress, and declaring yourself a beautiful princess. I hope she never stops being one of those girls. And maybe someday, I could be more like her.

I don't know why being made fun of was such a big fear. Being hurt sucks. But I've broken bones that hurt far worse than words, I've lived through hells far worse than not being pretty and I've survived much more important "trials" than not being popular. I guess on some root level none of us wants to think a mirror would look us in the eye and say "you're not good enough for me." But unlike the fairytale, the only person looking back at me... is me.

Today my boyfriend noticed that I had on two shades of blue eyeshadow... that matched the two shades of blue in my hair. He'd probably be the first to stand in line to declare me as "one of those girls"... You know, the ones who never match, stick out in a pitch black room and couldn't care less what the world thinks. I didn't acquire confidence and beauty with age. I'm just pretending to be three... and free... while I continue the journey of the evolution of me.