The Year the Wind Whispered Back

If the world were to end this December, I wouldn't be surprised or disappointed. You can only reach for the stars for so long until you finally get a fistful of heavenly sparkles struggling to break free from your grasp, why not let it be now?

God moves my life in circles and shifts... '05 circled back to '02, '07 circled back to '99 and now, '12 is undoubtedly circling back to '07.

One of my favorite pastors preached once on how you can't just start over from a point of deviation and expect to get back on course. You have to return to the moment of origin and choose a new course. You have to travel those same miles all over again, but on the right road. It looks familiar, but it's still new.

I've always believed life was like a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book, where God knew all possible outcomes of each step, but we would only every know one storyline. The thing is, sometimes God quietly places the book in my own hands and says "Let's go back and see what was behind door #2... and you can decide which one to keep."

I wonder often if I'm the only one who sees the world this way, two linear lifetimes parallel, separate, yest still intertwining. I wonder what purpose it serves when the present doesn't replace the past but the past loses partial rights to its existence.

It's been five years but some roads will never be forgotten. Some paths are forever driven in my mind. Some lifetimes are forced to play on repeat without ever aging. And it is this cluster of roads I prepare to return to this weekend knowing full well that this is neither by accident nor coincidence. This is a return to the worst hand life has ever dealt. The darkest hole of hell imaginable.

But this time... I have a flashlight. And see, I already know the ending, already know how bad it was the first time so the second time around, maybe it won't hurt so bad. And that's where love comes in, I guess. Because without a flashlight, sometimes it's hard to see someone quietly pacing beside you, making sure you get out alive.

I'm a little fearful of the year to come but not due to its nature. I've seen the best and worst this world has to offer. I wouldn't have made it here on just one. It was meant to be this way and maybe knowing that and seeing through shiny hindsight glasses will make the hard parts of the future a little less bleak.

Of all the years to fear, this one is most deserving. I've spent a lifetime screaming at the moon. This year -- the wind whispers back... and everyone will hear what she has to say.