This week has been a hard pill to swallow in so many ways. Every time I think I've seen it all, the sky explodes on me and the earth splits open. Sometimes God's love also looks like God's spite and it's a bit of a mixed message lately.
A few weeks ago I found out a person from my past has reappeared in town and was in very close proximity to where I live and work. I didn't necessarily have a "falling out" with the guy so much as there was a whole social dynamic involved with a sudden paradigm shift that caused me to go off their grid and cut all ties because things were just getting out of control.
Eventually, the dynamic split, dispersed and faded away.
I had been avoiding where I knew he would be simply because I don't exactly know where he and I left off from his perspective and if he wouldn't be happy to see me, I certainly didn't want to run into him by accident.
And of course, as I was walking home from work, he stepped out of a downtown shop for a cigarette and landed directly in my path. My hair is about 14 inches longer, different colours and I was wearing a scarf and long trench coat. I didn't expect him to recognize me. I've run into FRIENDS who didn't recognize me in my "winter gear."
And yet there he was, a little stunned and staring me down face to face. I kind of awkwardly half-waved as his girlfriend stepped out from behind him. They both said hi, both called me by name. The girlfriend commented on how long my hair was and how she liked it.
We made slightly awkward pleasantries and small talk for a moment and I finally said "So, I heard you were back in town" and before I could even think of what to say he shoved his hand out at me to shake mine and says "I owe you an apology." We're different people now and things were bad the way they went down. We're not like that anymore and I'm really sorry for how things ended."
I kinda stood there staring at him, slightly dumbfounded and completely clueless as to what I was supposed to say. And of course, my mouth took over with the truth. I told him I really enjoyed being friends with everyone in the group but whatever happened, whenever it happened, it was something I never wanted to get dragged into and after a while, the same old thing got, well, old.
He said he completely agreed and he basically asked for a second chance. And without even stopping to weigh my options, the slate was suddenly wiped clean. He's not someone I had strong ill will against and he's not someone who "seriously" wronged me but he was definitely not someone I was planning to try to reconcile a friendship with so it kind of caught me off guard how quickly and completely I forgave him. I twas like nothing ever happened. It was cool.
Before my brain could even go over the "now don't forget, people have to prove themselves" pep talk, he followed up with "And I'd like to buy you a drink some time but i know you don't like alcohol so how about I buy you an orange juice."
Suddenly I couldn't stop laughing. I'm not "anti-alcohol" so much as "anti- party scene" and I used to get harassed by the social group for being a square when we hung out. So his offer for juice was both hilarious and incredibly sweet.
I walked the rest of the way home with the most intense "what the HELL just HAPPENED here???" look on my face but I feel like maybe it was one of those gifts you don't even "need" but are given out of the blue anyway. A touch of Grace, as it were.
I could have lived my entire life without an apology from him and been just fine and gotten on with his life. But he sought me out and wanted to make things right.
Given certain dynamics and other events that have happened this week, I can't help but feel a tiny bit like God was trying to make it up to me. There are certain justices I'll never get. Certain apologies I really need but will never hear. Maybe He's trying to give me whatever he can to make up for the prayers he's not able to answer. And you know, I think I'm okay with that.
Beggars can't be choosers and when it comes to God's love, I'll take whatever I can get.
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